


Care and Acceptance

by SnugglyJjong



Category: SHINee
Genre: Asexuality, Fluff, Insecurities, Keyhyun, M/M, Oneshot, Relationship(s), Slice of Life, jongkey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 14:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18802528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnugglyJjong/pseuds/SnugglyJjong
Summary: Jonghyun felt so lonely and out of place....Kibum cared for him.❤Jonghyun was different than others....Kibum accepted him anyway.





	Care and Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!   
> So, this is the (first ? :P) prequel to my other oneshot "Love and Respect" :3  
> You can decide which one to read first if you haven't read the other story already, I don't know if it matters :')  
> So again, this plot is very personal and I hope it shows insight to some levels of sexuality which aren't talked about too often i guess :)
> 
> Enjoy <3

A heavy sigh of frustration fell from Jonghyun’s lips after a long long and eventful day. A day, filled with many surprises, but also things which shouldn’t surprise him anymore. That sex and love was a very popular topic among teenagers wasn't much of a surprise to him, but never in his life did he imagine to be such an outsider, to feel so ill whenever the topic of sexuality and sexual as well as romantic encounters arises.  
Jonghyun felt drained, tired to the point where he was barely able to stay awake, but too hurt to fall asleep. He felt restless, but in so much need of rest and he knew not even the highest amount of sleep he could get would make him feel any better. No, this state of discomfort was constant and he didn’t know what to do about it. Was he really so weird? Was his desire and all the little things which were so important to him really so out of the norm? Was his love for platonic love really such a strange thing? He felt horrible.  
That day was meant to be a great day, but it was one of the worst in so long. His best friend Taemin celebrated his 19th birthday and the two and some of their friends as well as people Jonghyun had never met before went out to eat something and to drink afterwards. Typical, nothing exciting, but nevertheless was it supposed to be a space for everyone to feel safe and happy.  
Sadly, that wasn’t the case for Jonghyun once everyone started talking about things he.. well... never experienced before. He was silent all this time, taken aback by all these stories each of the others were telling, overwhelmed by the amount of knowledge and laughter that echoed through the bar. Jonghyun felt sick to the stomach as he listened to some of the rather personal, intimate and harsh things some of the boys were saying, not feeling particularly good about being a part of that conversation, though he hadn’t said a word the whole time. That was the case until one of the other guys pointed out that Jonghyun hasn’t said anything the whole time, ignoring the fact that the latter was obviously feeling extremely uncomfortable, what his friend Taemin noticed, too. Thing was, Taemin knew about Jonghyun’s differences when it came to love and sexual interest and Jonghyun didn’t know whether it was Taemin’s usual ignorance or the alcohol which drove him to speak about Jonghyun’s personal matters in his name, poorly explaining his friend’s feelings.  
Jonghyun felt like crying, he could feel his cheeks and eyes burn as Taemin revealed his secret.  
“Oh, don’t mind him, I don’t know why, but he doesn’t feel like having sex at all. Weird huh? Like what the fuck. So you all know he’s... well..” Taemin chuckled while looking at Jonghyun’s face, embarrassment written all over it, what he simply chose to ignore.

Jonghyun pressed his lips together, burying his face more into his pillow, a few tears escaping his eyes and dripping onto it as he remembered that moment which happened just a few minutes ago. Yes, a few minutes, because he couldn’t take the laughter, the stupid and mean comments, the way they were making fun of him for being a virgin. He couldn’t stand it, he felt heartbroken, betrayed and didn’t know what to do. Should he not be friends with them anymore and become a total loner? Should he pretend this never happened? Could he even do that? No, probably not. So all that he could do was cry and feel stupid, even worse than before. He always struggled so much when it came to his sexuality and behaviour towards whoever he liked. As if that wasn’t enough already...  
He wished with all his heart to be like the others, he wanted it more than anything else. He just wanted to love and be loved and to have sex and not feel bad only thinking about it. Why did he have to be that way? Why him? Why couldn’t he just...

“Hm.” Jonghyun grumbled as he felt and heard his phone vibrate. Oh no.. He felt his guts tighten as fear rose in his chest. He knew the way he left was kind of overdramatic and that his reaction was probably super funny to the others. Who else should write him at around 3 in the morning? It had to be one of them.. but..  
Jonghyun stared at his screen in disbelief as he saw that an unknown number had sent him a message, a message which stated who this number belonged to and it was a little too surreal for him.  
‘Hey, I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Kibum, the guy with the red shirt, Minho’s friend. I hope you feel alright. You seemed really upset and I wanted to ask if it’s ok to come over? Do you want to talk? I know we don’t know each other, so no stress. In case that you are already sleeping, good night. I hope next time we can get to know each other better :)’  
Jonghyun rubbed his eyes in confusion, but mostly to get rid of the tears which blurred his sight as he was reading. Kibum? Wanted to come over? The Kibum from tonight? The Kibum who Jonghyun thought looked super cute, too handsome, really beautiful? That guy he felt too shy to talk to wanted to talk to him? Jonghyun’s head felt heavy and mind foggy. That wasn’t real... Also, he wanted to come over that late at night... Would he want to.. what did he mean by talking? Did he even listen to what Taemin said earlier?  
Jonghyun really didn’t understand what was happening, but his fingers were already typing an reply, not a ‘no’, not any polite rejection, no ignoring... No, he very desperately typed in his address and told Kibum that he did remember him and felt really bad and thought his offer was really sweet.There was no real thinking, he felt like he had to, he couldn’t say no to Kibum and if the latter had the wrong idea of Jonghyun then shit happens. It wouldn’t have been the first time for Jonghyun to disappoint someone and scare them away by telling them that he wanted nothing more than a platonic, romantic relationship without any sexual encounters whatsoever.

 

Minutes and minutes passed until suddenly Jonghyun jolted awake, wondering what was happening. He fell asleep waiting for the beautiful stranger to arrive.

Quickly he jumped out of his bed and made his way to the front door, his heartbeat quickening and nervousness arising. He still had no idea what to expect and never ever experienced such a behaviour from someone he knew. There was never someone noticing that he was feeling bad and actually caring enough to offer a few minutes of company. He had good friends and talked about struggles, sure, but not in that kind of way. He never had a guest over at 3 am to cheer him up. Who was Kibum and why was he like that, although they didn’t know each other?

Jonghyun would find out all that in just a few moments as Kibum suddenly stood right in front of him, a smile grazing his lips and his hands were awkwardly playing with each other. Quite shy, thought Jonghyun, it didn’t exactly fit to what he was expecting.

“Hey.” The stranger spoke softly, a hint of insecurity audible in his deep voice, a melody that made Jonghyun’s heart tingle. It really doesn’t help that Kibum is so handsome, Jonghyun thought with his eyes glued to the other’s face, unable to speak, because what was he supposed to say?  
“Do you still want me to be here? Do you still want to talk?” A sigh fell from Jonghyun’s lips as these questions were asked. Did he? Well, kind of, but...  
“Isn’t this weird?” Jonghyun asked back, nibbling on his lower lip and sighing once more, not seeing the comforting smile on the lips of the beautiful boy in front of him as his eyes were fixed somewhere on the floor.  
“Is it? I’d call it unusual maybe, but not weird.” The soft voice spoke again, sending shivers down Jonghyun’s spine additionally to the slightly colder breeze entering his very small apartment.  
Unusual, yes,  that was fitting, too.

With stepping aside, Jonghyun welcomed Kibum wordless and the latter seemed to understand quickly. With yet another one of his charming smiles playing on his lips, he entered the flat and pulled off his shoes and jacket which Jonghyun took from him to hang to the others.  
 “My room is the first one on the left.” He explained. “I mean, my bedroom... I mean, the only real room. Sorry, my apartment isn’t very big. I hope it’s not bothering you.” Jonghyun spoke nervously, closing the door behind the seemingly very sweet guy he just invited over to.. freaking talk. Jesus, he is so weird.  
He heard Kibum chuckle as he entered the room he was taking about before a slightly more faint voice reached his ears.  
“I’m not here to judge you, I hope to comfort you...” He said and Jonghyun saw him sit down at the edge of his bed, the only real place to sit. “Is it okay if I sit here or should I sit on the floor?” He asked and it almost seemed like he too was awkward and nervous, because of the happenings.  
“It’s fine, make yourself comfortable.” Jonghyun said, smiling, but not noticing. He walked into the dimly lit room, sitting down next to the stranger on his bed who then had his legs crossed, watching Jonghyun as he got into bed and pulled the still warm blanket over his legs.  
Awkward it was indeed. For a short while none of them spoke, but it was obvious that Kibum thought about it, he just didn’t know how to start.  
“You know I am kind of concerned about our friends’ behaviour. I didn’t find it necessary to talk about your preferences like that and I wanted to let you know that you don’t have to feel bad for it. I feel like, none of the others is going to apologize and I hope you know that you don’t have to feel weird about being you.” Kibum then spoke with his ever so soft voice, just listening to it was comforting, but the things he had told Jonghyun, his point of view about the topic and the situation.. Jonghyun suddenly didn’t feel so lost in this world anymore.  
As much as he wanted to say more, only a simple ‘thank you’ was able to flee from his tightly sealed mouth. In some way he didn’t feel comfortable with Kibum knowing so much about him, but instead of joking about his problems and concerns like the others always did, this individual decided to listen closely, to wonder, to be silent and accept without seemingly judging. He has such a pure aura Jonghyun pointed out in his head, allowing himself to relax and just let things happen.  
Then Kibum spoke again, his fingers playing with the hem of his pants. “I know we don’t know each other much or almost at all, but I want you to know I am here for you.” Kibum said and it almost sounded like he was sad, Jonghyun didn’t understand why though.

“Thank you.” The latter said once again. “I don’t know why you are here and why you are saying this and why you want to do that for me, but thank you.”  
“Because I think you’re a nice person who deserves better.” Kibum almost blurted out, surprising Jonghyun with his sudden reply. It was obvious that Kibum didn’t like the way Jonghyun spoke just then. With confusion written over his face, Jonghyun listened to what Kibum had to say.  
“I didn’t get to know you much, but I feel sorry for you. You didn’t do anything wrong and I could barely sit still and stand it when the others started mocking you for your sexual preferences. Like, what is wrong with them, like.. when I came out I got judged for it, too. I don’t know if you ever came out or anything, but seeing people laugh about someone for something they can’t control and something no one else should care about the slightest bit.. it broke my heart. Sorry if I got too invested in this for your liking. I just thought maybe you would feel better talking about it. I don’t know much about you or the sexual preference you have. I feel like I'm the exact opposite of.. asexual, right? But I’d love to know more about how it feels and how you feel. I’d like to know more about you in general, I don’t know.. Now you can say this is weird. Yes, it is.” His words fell from his lips like a waterfall, each and every syllable drenched in empathy, sympathy and love and care, worry even. Jonghyun felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of emotions that Kibum just revealed to him. He was so nice, so supportive, so loving in Jonghyun’s eyes. Never in his life did he hear anyone speak to him in such manner. Kibum was demanding in the most gentle way, eager to get to know Jonghyun and it was everything Jonghyun ever wanted. The only thing that left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth was that Kibum was the exact opposite of asexual. Well, Jonghyun thought, why would I even develop any kind of feelings towards him when I already knew no one is like me.  
Jonghyun really wanted to comfort Kibum too, he seemed to be very affected by what happened in the restaurant earlier, maybe triggered, Jonghyun wondered.  
“I.. don’t even know what to say. No one ever said so many nice things to me in such a short amount of time and I still don’t understand why exactly you choose to spend your energy on my pathetic problems when-”  
“You are not pathetic.. please don’t say that.” A sad voice echoed through the small room, the atmosphere now creating thick air difficult to breathe.  
“Sorry.” Jonghyun whispered. “It’s just... I’m not used to it. I don’t understand and don’t know how to feel talking about my problems and deepest desires and wishes to, well, a stranger.” Jonghyun tried to explain, a small smile once more grazing Kibum’s lips as he did.  
“You don’t have to, I will leave if you want me to. I said everything I wanted to say and anything further lies in your hands, Jonghyun.”  
The latter in and exhaled deeply, understanding that his way of explaining did his feelings no justice at all. “No, please stay. It was just a thought and feeling I can’t put in words without it sounding wrong. If you really want to know more then I am happy to talk about it. I.. am happy that there seems to be at least one person out there who doesn’t judge me despite not feeling the same way. I’ve never met someone like me so meeting someone like you is kind of surprising to me.” At that point, Jonghyun’s voice began to tremble, his eyes to water and nose to run. His body was tense as he revealed his vulnerable side to Kibum all on his own, showing him what deep impact this topic left on him, how scarred he was for being different.  
He couldn’t quite believe it, that he was crying in front of someone. He never cried in front of Taemin... never.. and he was friends with him for as long as he can remember.  
A comforting, big and warm palm soon found its way to Jonghyun’s which was resting on his lap, the bed shaking slightly as Kibum moved closer to the visibly hurt one in front of him, causing a loud sob to escape from Jonghyun’s lips as soon as it happened. It all felt surreal, but relieving more than anything else. All these feelings Jonghyun had pushed aside for a certain amount of time, all these worries and insecurities breaking down on him as a tender soul keeps him company. For once Jonghyun wouldn’t cry himself asleep late at night. This time he was able to let himself fall not feeling scared to break.  
“Ive been feeling so strange and different for such a long time. I used to think that it wasn’t a big deal, but over the last months it dawned on me that it indeed is a big deal. I’ve met so many people who told me that they could never be in a relationship with someone like me, could not understand whatsoever and were sure that if I ever found someone, he would eventually cheat on me. I’ve heard many stories of people who got cheated on once they said they wanted to wait when it came down to sexual things. I don’t want to get hurt you know? I know that’s silly, that it is normal to break up, to get cheated on, to disappoint or get disappointed, but I don’t want that. More than anything I just want to find someone who is there for me.. and I can be there for him, always.” Jonghyun sobbed, letting his tears run freely, not setting himself any boundaries. Tonight he could be himself, tonight he could cry and voice all his thoughts and worries and eventually it wouldn’t matter, because he wouldn’t have to see Kibum ever again in case he felt too uncomfortable with doing so. His heart was aching, begging for it to be over, all this pain connected to self worth and confidence. He felt weak, but safe, oh so safe with Kibum’s warmth enveloping his colder hand.  
Silence followed, but not uncomfortable one. Jonghyun didn’t want to say anything anymore nor did he know what to say and Kibum’s voice soon enough rang in his ears. So gentle, so deep and low and yet it was making Jonghyun’s whole body react to it.  
“I understand your worries and thoughts on all this. It sounds hard, but I can’t imagine that there’s not even a single person out there willing to date you and then, to be honest, who cares about sex when they could love you in other ways?” He asked, his voice getting softer with each spoken word, the last ones barely a mumble, but Jonghyun understood. He was confused. What did Kibum mean with all of this and could he just ask? It sounded so... suspicious in the best way possible, but pff.. sure.  
“What does being asexual mean? Can you explain that to me?” Kibum asked carefully, his thumb brushing over Jonghyun’s who inhaled shakily, reaching for the tissue box on the nightstand not far away, wiping his tears with a tissue and pressing it against his nose afterwards.  
“I don’t know how to explain it, but I can try. So.. I just.. when I think about love my heart flutters. I want my heart to flutter always. I love the thought of platonic love.. just holding one another, kissing, caressing the other’s body so they could relax. Whispering sweet nothings into my boyfriend’s ear, making him feel utterly loved and appreciated. I don’t know why I can’t feel that way when it comes to sex... I guess I... feel pressured. The thought of having sex is not bad, but the expectations, the discomfort, the possibility of being not pretty enough or good enough at sex. I don’t know if you can understand it. Funny enough, I don’t know what it’s like to feel sexually attracted to someone. When I look at someone pretty or handsome I want them all to myself, hold and protect and love them in the purest way possible. The thought makes me so happy. I can’t even say I won’t ever have sex with anyone, because I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been in love, you know? Maybe it will change once I find the right one, but until then, yeah...” Jonghyun could feel the other squeeze his hand, a smile tugging on the corners of his lips. He liked it so much. He liked Kibum so much, but he felt ridiculous for it.  
“That sounds beautiful.” Kibum stated, scooting a little closer to Jonghyun and continuing to speak to a quivering Jonghyun. “I don’t see why it’s so weird. Isn’t this what love is all about and the sex is just a bonus step? I don’t understand why the others act like it’s so abnormal”  
“They never cared enough to ask or read about it..” Jonghyun glanced up from his lap, seeing Kibum’s face so close to his, his heart skipping a beat at the sight. Kibum. So close, biting his lip with furrowed eyebrows.  
“I see.” He sighed. “They can be pretty ignorant at times.”  
“Yeah.” Jonghyun’s eyes moved down again, avoiding Kibum’s rather intense gaze and he noticed that he was calming down. Kibum’s presence really helped him. Usually he would continue crying for about an hour or so until he would fall asleep out of exhaustion. This time felt so healthy. 

“Thank you for offering me your ears and well... more or less a shoulder to cry on. It really helps.”

“I’m glad.” Kibum spoke, a hint of happiness hidden in his calm voice. “I enjoy listening to you, too and I hope you won’t forget that you are very normal, just different in the sweetest way.”  
Jonghyun’s heart stopped for a second. Kibum used the word sweet to describe him. He felt like melting. Kibum’s openness enchanted Jonghyun. The evening and night were already so eventful, but all of the things that happened in the past half an hour were topping the rest of the day.  
They just sat there, holding hands, being so close to each other, talking about sexuality and comforting each other with just being there. It felt magical. A bit too magical almost. Maybe Jonghyun was dreaming after all. A chuckle escaped his lips.  
“Hm?”  
Jonghyun shook his head to the questioning sound, sighing afterwards.  
“All of this is a bit much for me to understand. I’m repeating myself.. but I think it’s funny how we sit here and hold hands like that. I only know your name by now and yet you are here in my bed at 4 in the morning. Honestly I thought you would want to try to sleep with me. Not that I dare to think you’d be into me, but yeah.”  
“What makes you think that it’s impossible for me to be into you?” A question so blunt Jonghyun’s jaw dropped. What? Jonghyun felt his heart ache and clench. It was prepared to get hurt, because Kibum can only be joking.  
“Please don’t ask such questions, please don’t joke about this...” Jonghyun almost begged, his frame stating to shake once again as tears threatened to push past his eyelashes once he pressed his eyes shut.  
No.. why would Kibum ruin all of this now.. he was like the others after all. Jonghyun should have known.  
I’m such an idiot, he thought. He wanted to punch himself.

“I’m.. not joking. I’m wondering why you think that way.”  
Oh, Jonghyun wanted to bury himself somewhere, just disappear. He didn’t know where this was going and it scared him endlessly. Did he notice that he could play with Jonghyun?  
Jonghyun laughed desperately, slowly pulling his hand out of Kibum’s hold.  
“Please stop.”

“Would you like to go out with me sometime?” The moment that question fell from Kibum’s lips, everything around Jonghyun started spinning. He felt like he was about to pass out any second. What was happening. This couldn’t be real. After all, why would Kibum ask that now that he knew Jonghyun was not like him, not interested in sex while Kibum was, he said so himself.  
Jonghyun felt a strange mixture of things. He was insanely happy, flattered and touched. Kibum was so beautiful, so unreal, he crushed so hard on him, so fast without even knowing him and yet all of that was also really intimidating. He felt so much for the other already, out of despair most likely, because he was frustrated, lonely and hurt and Kibum was the next best chance to feel better about everything. Also, Kibum would have to change for Jonghyun and that thought already let the latter doubt that this would have a happy ending. Kibum knew Jonghyun wanted a relationship to last and not to break up. Kibum knew Jonghyun had unrealistic expectations and still asked him out?  
He couldn’t be serious.

“Sorry if I don’t let you feel safe right now, but I really want to get to know you better. You don’t have to say yes, but if you want to and like me, too, then.. well.”  
“I will disappoint you anyway, why do you even ask?”  
Jonghyun hesitantly looked up the the one in front of him, noticing his bothered facial expression. Maybe Jonghyun’s instincts were wrong all along, but he was so scared.  
“Who says that? I’d like to see myself, because I feel like you won’t. At least I want to see your smile one more time. I don’t mind the way you are if that is what you’re concerned about.  We can always talk like we do now.”

If it wasn’t too childish to Jonghyun that moment, he would have pulled his blanket over his head and ignored Kibum, but that was an impossible thing to do and disrespectful as well.  
Maybe it was the remaining rest of alcohol in his system or just a sudden outburst of courage, but eventually he nodded his head, agreeing to a...d-date?  
“Just promise me, please.. don’t... play with me.”  
“Is that a yes?” Kibum asked, straightening his back and leaning a bit closer to Jonghyun. “I’m not here to hurt you Jonghyun. Your smile mesmerized me the first time I saw it and your overall aura shined so brightly. You didn’t fit into the group at all. I like it. You are different. I know you are and I respect that. No pressure. I really enjoy being with you, also right now, although I prefer to see you happy.”  
Jonghyun turned his head to the side, breathing shakily, eyes burning. This is a dream, he told himself in mind. Kibum is unreal, he added.  
“Okay..” Jonghyun tried his best to speak loudly, but he couldn’t. He was too afraid of his own answer.  
He already knew he’d get hurt in the end, but he couldn’t say no to Kibum. He felt too good around him. His heart was yearning for his attention, his touch, his affection.  
The spark of hope within Jonghyun for once was stronger than the sad and hurt child living in the back of his head. He couldn’t believe it, nor process it, but once it was all settled and Kibum left after asking him what he’d like to do, it suddenly hit him like a truck. He’d go out with the boy he just met a few hours ago and instantly liked. He would maybe have a chance since Kibum knew about his biggest insecurity. He knew things would be different and so did Jonghyun. No matter how it will turn out, Jonghyun thought, I can’t believe I am so lucky, I am so happy no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah :) I hope you liked it. It's not something very exciting or special, but i really enjoy writing about this topic and pouring some of my personal thoughts, beliefs and emotions into it :3 It's very comforting and I truly hope that I can make at least one person feel better about themselves if they struggle with their sexuality or something similar :)   
> I think it's very common to feel this way and I hope people soon will understand that it's not sad or whatever they like to call it. Why is it sad when someone doesn't like or want to have sex? Idk it bothers me, because I have to listen to many stupid comments for years already and I hate it.  
> Anyway, thank you a lot for reading :) Please leave a comment if you can, it would mean the world to me.  
> Have a nice day bb xx <3


End file.
